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Thread: Medicine Man and other good jokes

  1. #421
    Super Moderator Drew's Avatar
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    Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
    Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
    Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
    Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
    I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.
    "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
    Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
    Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
    Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
    Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
    This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
    he went straight to his mother crying.
    Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
    The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."

    Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk
    Cheers, Andrew

    ACV - Sand Beige Highline

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  2. #422
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    🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk
    It is wiser to find out, than to suppose. Mark Twain.

  3. #423
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    A golfer is having a great round but hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

    As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign?
    It says, 'Private Property - Stay Out!'

    The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over
    there. May I have it, please?

    The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now!

    The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand.

    He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.

    The man says, "What did you do that for?"

    The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, Sir, and I believe
    every prick should have two balls."
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  4. #424
    Forum Addict Tornado_ALIVE's Avatar
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    A woman was playing a round of golf when she was struck by a ball between the first and second hole. She was rushed off to the hospital where the doctor said "That doesn't leave much room for a band-aid"

  5. #425
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

    She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

    “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  6. #426
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.


    "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

    I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

    "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled.
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  7. #427
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
    Pointing a knife at me ... He said to me "your money or your life!"
    I told him I was Married... So I had no money and no life...
    We hugged and cried together.
    It was a beautiful moment.
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  8. #428
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    The Aussie Version of Creation

    In the beginning God created day and night.

    He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....and BBQ's.

    He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's.

    On the Second Day, God created water....

    for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach,

    On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide

    malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs.

    On the Fourth Day God created animals

    and crustaceans, chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's

    On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy,

    enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's and God saw that it was good.

    On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf,

    drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

    So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes.

    On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer

    cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling

    prawns and God Saw that it was good.....well; almost good.....

    He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

    So God created Sheilas……to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the barbie

    and then God saw that it was not just good.....

    It was Bloody Awesome!

    IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  9. #429
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    No sex since 1955....

    A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

    There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?

    "1955, ma'am."

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

    The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
    It is wiser to find out, than to suppose. Mark Twain.

  10. #430
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    Senior Males Sexual Activity



    The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.



    Statistics just released from The National Statistics Office and The United Nations B.O.H. Team,



    revealed that:

    North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age,



    will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more),



    whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

    This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the pub, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  11. #431
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

    As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful

    woman in the world.

    "I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,

    "Well, how.did you do?"

    "First Place," said Snow White.

    They continue walking and they see a sign:

    "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

    "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him,

    "How did you make out?"

    "First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

    They continue walking when they see a sign:

    "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

    Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later,

    he returns with tears pouring from his eyes.

    "What happened?" they asked.

    "Who the f--k is Bill Shorten?" asked Pinocchio.
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  12. #432
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.


    When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

    It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says:

    "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

    The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.

    He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

    The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

    He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

    The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

    She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  13. #433
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    Irish Vasectomy - old but good


    Opparis Vasectomy


    After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

    The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

    "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  14. #434
    Super Moderator Drew's Avatar
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    A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?

    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

    Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk
    Cheers, Andrew

    ACV - Sand Beige Highline

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  15. #435
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

    "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

    "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

    "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

    "Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

    "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say,

    'O.K., buddy! Give me $20or off it comes!'

    "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

    "Not everybody pays......!"
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  16. #436
    Supporting Member ozcaddy's Avatar
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    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.



    "We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.



    "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.



    The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"



    Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."



    The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."


    "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What couldpossibly be the good news?"



    The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."



    Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"



    The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
    Got told to follow my dreams , so I am going back to bed

  17. #437
    Super Moderator Drew's Avatar
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    The ATO believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help.
    An agent from Wollongong was sent to the fishing village of Kiama to investigate the boat owner.

    GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

    Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

    Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here.
    He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of rum and 3 dozen stubbies every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
    Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

    GOVT AGENT: " Ahhh, that's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

    Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

    Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk
    Cheers, Andrew

    ACV - Sand Beige Highline

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    Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked sir?
    Diner: Like winning an argument with my wife.
    Waiter: Rare it is then sir.
    2012 Ontario Green Highline Tub liner Reverse sensors Soft tonneau Chrome sidesteps and sportsbar
    Bauermount with Cibie Oscars. Light bar and LED worklights up top

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